Music Banter

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Robert Smith is a hero to some. He’s a man who has steadfastly ploughed the same miserabilist, dry-ice wreathed path for almost three decades, staying true to his dark muse and writing songs which show his shifts from high to low with scarcely a thought to such notions as fashion or commercial success. Trends have come and go, and through it all he’s been the same.

Plus, he’s done it all with a haircut and make-up combo that makes him look like the bastard offspring of Heath Ledger’s Joker, and Edward Scissorhands.

Of course, these days, you might be able to add the Pilsbury Dough Boy to that list of parentage, but of course I’m not the malicious kind. We’re none of us as young as we used to be.

The Edward Scissorhands thing in mind, though, it’s almost inevitable that eventually Robert Smith was going to find himself doing something for Tim Burton. The two of them exist in the same foggy-drenched, dark-hued artistic universe, and certainly, large portions of Burton’s fanbase will also have a Cure album or two sitting around in their record collection somewhere. Artistically, it’s the kind of thing that makes sense, and probably from a commercial standpoint too.

So Robert Smith’s done a song for Burton’s ‘Alice In Wonderland,’ a version of the song ‘Very Good Advice’ which featured in Disney’s original 1951 version. The original is a sad piece of whimsy that makes my fiancé cry whenever she hears it.

Robert Smith’s version… Isn’t.

It’s absolutely terrible, a seemingly random assortment of vaguely spooky keyboard noises competing for attention like a deranged piece of Scooby-Doo music. Then Robert Smith comes in and does his ‘tortured adolescent’ bit, twisting the tune around and it’s- ok. But then, my god, there’s this ridiculously out-of-tune organ solo that just sounds like it’s being played on a swanny whistle. I think he’s trying to go for a sort of bad-trip nightmare sounds, but it ends up sounding like he’s got The Clangers in the studio with him. Maybe it works in context within the film, but as a stand-alone experience this is awful. It just sounds like he’s cobbled a track together as quickly as he possibly can and mailed it to Burton going ‘will this do?’

Robert, please. You wrote ‘Love Cats’ and ‘A Forest.’ You can do better than this.